Here I Am

The Great 28. It’s my birthday. Another year older and definitely another year wiser. The last six months of 27 has been an emotional roller coaster and a teacher of life indeed. I’ve had a few changes, including a new job earlier in the year. I’ve spent about every day of the last two weeks indulging in Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast and Masterclass because I found it very interesting to hear how “famous” people rose through pain. I’ve spent time in prayer and having conversations with God that I’ve never had before. I’ve spent time trying to heal and being fully present in the healing process.

I think it’s safe to say I’ve surrendered and possibly still surrendering, piece by piece. My heart and soul has become so tired of trying to “figure it out”. Trying to control every aspect of life for most things that are really out of my control. I said to God “I don’t know anymore and I can’t do it anymore. I give it to You.” This is where trust arises. A concept I tend to struggle with for different reasons. I am trusting. Trusting that I’m exactly where I should be at this time in my life. Trusting that no matter what has come or is to come I will be okay. Trusting that “all things work together for GOOD to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Trusting that bad things happen not to break us or destroy us, but to make us stronger. Trusting the process and journey of life.

I got married twelve days into 2019. I became pregnant with my first child, likely on my honeymoon night if my calculations are correct. Although it was unexpected so soon we fully embraced the idea of becoming parents. My husband and I spent the following months preparing mentally, physically, and emotionally for our child. Around 16 weeks, we found out we were having a baby girl. The first for the both of us. We started planning the baby shower. We started making plans for arranging the apartment and thinking of names. We were making plans. I was making plans. You know the saying if you fail to plan, you’re planning to fail. So I had to be sure my plans were in place. I had all these things in mind that we were going to make happen. However, you can’t out plan the Ultimate planner. God’s plan trumps all my plans.

I went for my 20 week checkup and the ultrasound tech begins asking me many questions about how I’ve been feeling, but she’s not saying much about baby girl. The doctor walks in and they exchange words. He says okay let me take a look. He snaps a few pictures and takes some measurements. He says that my placenta appeared thick and there was a blood clot under the placenta. He then says that baby girl is measuring about 3 weeks behind in growth. He proceeds to check for a heartbeat. There is a heartbeat, a slow one, but it’s there. He then says “I’m sorry but it likely won’t be a successful pregnancy.” The week that followed this news seems like a flash because from that day forward, everything went so quickly. It feels so long ago when in reality it’s only been about a month and a half.

I followed up with my OB-GYN just three days later. My OB-GYN did an ultrasound and now could no longer detect a heartbeat. I was admitted into the hospital the next day. The following day, On June 5, 2019 at 12:20 pm Nakia Imani Lauder silently entered the world and became our little angel. I was truly saddened and definitely hurt. We were surrounded by love and support during this time. My husband was absolutely amazing! My doctors wanted to be sure that if I didn’t remember anything they said or did that I knew and understood that this wasn’t my fault. That it was one of those “rare” things that happened with the placenta.

For a moment, I had this “why me” attitude, as if I was immune to trials and tribulations. As if storms weren’t supposed to pass through my life. Michael Bernard Beckwith says, “When you’re in the state of the victim, you don’t really touch reality. You touch your thoughts about reality. You have to experience what is real.” Perception changes everything. It determines your experience. I spent time trying to find the reason with myself when my focus should’ve been on surrendering to and trusting God. I started to recall everything and every thought that occurred up until the day I gave birth. I recall now every action and every thought that has taken place since giving birth. It appears that each moment has been preparation for the next. I realize that it truly did all work together for my good.

It’s hard to explain and I’m not sure I will ever find the right words. Yet, I know that the peace and contentment that has followed has grounded me in the belief that everything will always be okay because the best is yet to come. I isolated myself from many things and people, for good reason. I’m still taking time to heal both physically and mentally. I’m recognizing and accepting changes. I’m embracing age and the growth in such a short time.

Conquering Shenea Spirit was and is here to display the power of overcoming barriers and our rising strength through daily life. When I started this blog I started it with the intention of capturing daily life and rising through struggles. I find it incredible that things continue to align the way they have just so that the human experience and power of God can still be displayed. I’m constantly evolving and enjoy seeing the difference in whom I once was and who I’ve become. When people say you’ve changed, say “thank you, how about you?” Simply because we are supposed to be constantly growing, allowing life to teach us through the good and bad. I thank God for this new year of life, for understanding, for health, for my daughter in heaven, for love, and for peace. The Great 28, here I am boo.

Peace & Love

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