The Woman Who Does Not Know Her Worth

I have two degrees, a wonderful job, and a great support system. I am beautiful and intelligent. I literally have it all, except the most important component: SELF-LOVE. How can I truly know my worth, if I do not love myself whole heartedly?

Not knowing my worth was almost my down fall. Now I wasn’t always like this and those who know me probably can’t even tell. Originally, I was the girl that knew my outside appearance didn’t make or break me. I didn’t have to wear make-up. I didn’t have to dress up just to step outside. I definitely didn’t feel I had to get my nails/toes done every two weeks. I always did what I wanted because I didn’t care what others thought of me.

Until, I had “best friends” in college. Those best friends placed all of their insecurities on me and unfortunately, I slowly began to wear them. I went through the phase of having to have her hair and nails done. I had to put on “real” clothes just in case I would see someone. I even started to wear makeup. I began to care about what others thought of me. This was my first mistake. The saying: “Birds of a feather; flock together” is true.” Selfish, self-hating, insecure friends will soon or later make you become the same exact way. And it did. I became that girl that didn’t love me, so I had no clue how much I was worth. It definitely showed.

Now let’s start with my first bum ass boyfriend. He’s the one that asked for money and had nothing going with his life. It was the typical situation where you may wonder, “how did he get her.” What I learned from this situation was people can only treat you how you allow them to. He ran in and out of my life for years, taking pieces of me each time. He moved in with me. Of course, I was paying for everything, working two jobs, while he was riding around in my car, on my gas and had the nerve to always be late picking me up. Closer to the end of this short-term young life crisis I was going through, I wake up to him sneaking out of the house at midnight. Yes, a grown ass man. He runs out the door, so I called him to see where he went. He said his guy friend drove an hour so he could hang with him for his birthday. So are you lying or an undercover brother? But I forgave. Then it becomes time for him to pay the ticket that he received in my car.

Supposedly, he had a check that his old employer owed him and his income tax refund was coming in. The day before it is time to pay the ticket, he says he need to drive to another town to go get the money. He leaves in my car and turns his phone off. He comes back that morning, with no money and no explanation. Now, you would think I would have left him alone by now and after that, but I did not. Why?  I simply didn’t know my worth. I didn’t love myself enough. Finally, I saw the light a few days afterwards. I became Mrs. Sherlock Holmes and went throw that phone to find out what I been knew and what I wished I had never found out. Not only was he messing with multiple girls, he paid one of their rent for the month.

I had only received a Chicken Express meal after 2 months. I also started to notice he was verbally abusive; he was always trying to bring me down in some way. Also, our play fighting began to hurt. One night he left and I cried and prayed all night. I woke up and I was done. I realized who I was. I begin to heal, put my focus back on God, and graduated from school. Yes, I did all of that except fall in love with myself and know myself worth. If I would have known my worth, I would’ve removed myself from this situation and another that soon followed. I will spare the details for now.

I have finally realized who I am again. I now see that how I feel about myself, is what I will attract and it also sets my tolerance level. I always expect others to treat me what I am “worth”. But why would they? I don’t treat myself based on what I am worth, because I still struggle with knowing my worth. In order to know your worth, you love yourself. In order to love yourself, you must know yourself. In order to know yourself, you must intentionally focus on yourself. If I would’ve invested the energy that I invested in those relationships, there is no telling where I would be right now.

I was still struggling with self-love and with my outer appearance because I began comparing myself to people that’s lying on social media. The more I ask God to see myself like he sees me, the more I fall in love with myself. I’m quicker to say NO to any and everything that disturbs my peace. To any and everything that doesn’t know my worth. I am nowhere near where I need to be on this journey of self-love, but each day I fall in love with myself over again. Now, I am slowly removing all people, places, and things that are not compatible with my worth.

Anonymous