Who Am I?

~D’monica is a daughter, wife, sister, friend, social worker, and more. She has taken on many new roles in the last couple years of life. She remains positive and optimistic about her path forward. This is her story.~

I believe one of the hardest things to do is to write about yourself. We all know who we are internally but to voice it and put it on paper is another thing. There is so much that goes into the makings of me. So I guess I will start from the beginning. I come from a broken home yet I have a strong mother. My mother was married to my father when she accidentally got pregnant with me. I say accidentally because she was adamant about not having any children, especially with my father. They divorced when I was around 2 or 3. My father was a ladies man. He just couldn’t shake it and once I came into the picture my mother decided she had enough of it. I wish I could say the same for him. I grew up wanting that relationship with my father. I waited for him when he said he would pick me up just to realize he wasn’t coming. I dreamed about how different my life would be if only my father and mother were still together. I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for him to stay. This is something I would carry with me throughout most of my life.

I was great in school. I feared my mother, so I definitely wouldn’t act up. I was at the top of my class in pre-k and got moved up to kindergarten. I started the first grade at 5 and excelled every step of the way. I am technically an only child so I matured rather quickly and although I was the youngest in my class, I identified with those in grades ahead of me. I went on to high school still unknowingly carrying this inner dialogue of me not being good enough. My mother eventually remarried to a man I despised. After about 7 years of their marriage, they began to grow apart and my mother leaned on me for happiness. I enjoyed being that for her and she was something like my best friend. A couple of years after, she and her husband divorced and she began dating the love of her life which naturally I felt pushed to the side. I got a boyfriend and I clung to him. I was 15 and he was 18. I would do any thing for this boy. I wanted him to stay. I wanted to be good enough.

As time went on and my mother grew in her relationship with her guy and I grew to resent her. This resentment caused me to cling even tighter to my “boyfriend”. My boyfriend was convenient. He lived down the street. I could spend the night. His grandma loved me. If I needed to go anywhere he would always be able to ride. He was what I though this 16 year old girl needed. He was also a high school graduate who stayed at home all day. He didn’t have a job or a car. He would talk to so many other girls. He loved to switch things up and make me look like the bad person. He made me feel bad for wanting to be something other than a high school graduate. Yet and still, I didn’t want him to leave me. I got accepted into many colleges and decided to go to Sam Houston State University.

Upon acceptance into college, I still did not receive the support from him. This made me develop a plan to only go to college for one year and then move back to live with him in an apartment where I guess I would pay the bills because he still did not have a job. College was tough for me because I was split between wanting to be at home and make him feel loved and wanting to please my family and succeed in school. It didn’t take long for him to escalate his cheating and my depression increased. I flunked my first class ever in life and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for him to want me and only me.

One day into my spring semester of my freshman year, I went to a program, If You Really Knew Me. This program allowed everyone to be transparent and tell their story. I was so moved so freed. I had been praying for relief of this depressive state and this hurt. My prayers were answered. That very night I called my then ex-boyfriend and told him that he no longer had a hold on me and I was through with him. He laughed and said ok. The next couple of days he no longer received a reaction from me and it turned his world upside down. I began going back to church and my relationship with Christ had increased tremendously! I excelled in school once again and finally got to live the college experience. I made friends, joined a sorority, my GPA increased, I was involved and happy! I graduated 4 years later with a bachelors in Health Education with a minor in Spanish and even had the opportunity to study abroad in Costa Rica! I just knew life was going to be smooth sailing right?

Following graduation, I went on a severe job search. I applied to what seems like over 500 positions. I had no response because I had no experience. Here I am a college grad, living back at home feeling like a bum because nobody wanted to give me a chance. I was thankful to have the support of family but I couldn’t help hearing that little voice telling me I am not good enough. Finally I received an opportunity! Even got called back for a second interview where I had to give a presentation. I felt I did really well, however, it still ended with someone else receiving the position. I was hopeless. I wanted to go to grad school but was I good enough? I remember crying on my mother’s bed because I was so scared to apply. She talked some sense into me and I did. I applied to two schools and received acceptance into BOTH! Now it was the option of choosing which one would be the most beneficial to me! I chose to go to Baylor Houston Campus for Social Work.

Around the time of my acceptance I received a call from my uncle for an on the spot interview with his boss! I got the job! Now I have a job and in school! That following summer, I received a call from my god daughter’s mother stating that my god daughter needed to be in a different environment. We got her enrolled in school in my neighborhood and now she would be living with me. August 2016 I had a job, I was in my second year of grad school, and a full time mother to a 9 year old! It was extremely stressful but I managed to pull through. I made it through grad school. Got engaged to the love of my life, passed my licensing exam, and began working in my career field! Today I am in the process of doing my clinical hours and I am now a newlywed. I look forward to what life has in store!

-Dmonica