Smiles, Success, and Silent Depression

My manager called me one morning recently, I answered the phone and she said “good morning, are you smiling?” I laughed and said “yes I am”. I’ve gained a reputation around my workplace as “the one that’s always smiling.” The reputation is accepted because it’s very much true. I am always smiling. The “happy, jolly, sweet girl who is always smiling” is who I’ve been acknowledged as my whole life. There is so much feeling and emotion that can lie behind a smile. I’ve worked to gain a true genuine smile. It took some hardships and humbling approaches to gain this current smile.

I would consider myself somewhat an academic person. I feel education is an important aspect of life. It’s the foundation of knowledge. Nelson Mandela said,” Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” I was always very studious in grade school. Every school grade was completed with many awards and certificates attached. No one was ever harder on me than me. I remember crying in elementary because of a B on a report card. I cried even harder in my 8^th grade classroom, when I received not 1 but 2 F’s on my report card. However, it was always the fuel to go harder. I continued on through high school and graduated in the top 10%, ranking 4^th, in my class.

I started college, as a first generation college student, in August 2009. College was a huge adjustment, considering I had never been away from home for more than 2 days at a time. I did eventually adjust and flashed through the next four years. I graduated Cum Laude. I moved back home and two months later, in August 2013, I entered graduate school. I saw a meme once that said, “Every next level of your life will demand a different you.” My first semester of graduate school knocked me down from the high of completing college. I prayed to God to send me a sign to confirm that I was making the right decision to begin school again. However, it wasn’t in my spirit to give up and quit school. Never have I ever. Especially with the success gained thus far and the kudos given thus far. Why would I? I continued on through graduate school and finished with a Master’s degree 2 years later.  I remember all throughout my last year of graduate school, I fantasized on how “successful” I was about to be in the world. I thought to myself, I’ve worked hard in and out of school since 4 years old. Now here I was finally finishing.

I thought success and a peaceful life would soon be acquired in a few months. I obtained my state license to practice social work and received a job offer shortly after graduation. Within the first two months, a different feeling came over me, one that I’ve never felt before then.  It was a feeling of being completely LOST and out of sync with life. Picture yourself climbing a mountain; getting to the top; climbing back down the other side; turning around to see an ocean (one that you somehow couldn’t see from the top); then having no idea how to get across. All these years spent in school and absolutely no clue what to do or what comes next. I felt I had no fulfillment in the first job out of school and after being there for 6 months, I turned in my two week notice.

During this time, I also moved out of my mother’s home. I started a new job, in which, I left without notice after 3 months. I was going out into the world, still smiling. Coming back home, crying myself to sleep. I could not grasp the feeling of emptiness and disorientation. Real life came swiftly with punches, and could not care less about a degree. I considered going back to school, just to fill the void of not knowing what to do next. I started and quit 5 “career” jobs in a 2 year span. The academic success felt like a complete failure that just could not get it together. Still smiling, yet deeply pained. I would sit in the car and cry, go into work just fine, come back home and start crying all over again. I was conducting depression assessments on patients, not comprehending that I was slipping into my very own depression. I had a minor thought of what it would feel like to feel nothing.

I text my mother at 3am one night and said something along the lines of not having the strength that she and my grandmother had, and how hard it was to go out into the world to help others face their problems when I couldn’t face my own. She thought this was a suicide note from me to her, and she was not having it! In all honesty, never did I contemplate taking my own life. Nevertheless, I knew something had to change because things were unbearable. My mother simply said, “You need to remove your stumbling blocks.” I realized I was my own stumbling block. The thought process that life should always go as planned and that everything should always be perfect, was my stumbling block. The only guarantee in life is death. There’s no magic formula, despite popular belief, that if you work hard, life will be automatically be great. My mind was my own battlefield.

As human beings, our outlook on life can make or break us. My mother continuously prayed for God to lead and direct me. In addition to growing my faith in God, I had to change my outlook. In no way am I minimizing the 16 million people in the US who suffer with depression, because I am aware that things are easier said than done and that timing is a factor. However, it was my own truth that brought me to this realization. I thank God for continuing to renew my mind and transform my heart. We have to remove our stumbling blocks, whatever (or whoever) they may be in our lives. We have to accept that life is messy, the roads are winding, and nothing will ever be perfect. In spite of that, our spirit is still alive and we are still full of purpose.  This is when joy awakens itself in our spirit, true genuine joy.  It is the joy that doesn’t rely on another person, a job, a degree, or money. I found stability in my career and reached the one year mark on a job. This was a feat unknown to me.  I like to remind everyone that I am in no way perfect. I’m still human and not without flaws. Yet, I found peace and contentment with just loving life and self.  So yes, I am always smiling, and it is real joy behind this smile. Peace & Love.

-CSS