Whew! Can you believe it’s been almost 2 years since we last spoke? December 2021 to be exact. Also, can you believe Conquering Shenea Spirit has been around for nearly 6 years now? Life has been LIFIN since December 2021 and I’m not exactly sure where to start so maybe I can try to pick up where we left off. In December 2021, I introduced you to my weight struggle and I ended our chat with the positivity and confidence of beginning a new weight loss journey. I clicked publish and the words were then out there on the World Wide Web. I then went to the bathroom and decided to take a pregnancy test. So much for weight loss! I was now pregnant…for the third time. My feelings were very different though. A certainty that I still can’t explain to this day. Perhaps, it was the epitome of what FAITH feels like. To know that the past was rocky and the future was unclear, but to remain certain that in the present and going forward everything would be alright.
On that day, I started repeating a mantra to myself that I felt kept me sane. “I am healthy. I am wealthy. This will be a successful pregnancy.” I said it often. I said it during the first few weeks after finding out. I said it during the first doctor’s appointment to check for a heartbeat. I said it when my initial OB-GYN said, “Your past losses were likely due to your weight. You’re at risk for heart failure because you have to pump enough blood for yourself and the baby. We’re going to remain guarded because another loss is possible.” Let me pause here and say Pregnancy Loss 101: NEVER blame the mother. Anywho, I said it when I changed doctors the following month. I said it during the anatomy scan to find out it was a girl! I said it, during a trip to the bathroom where blood appeared. I said it, during the trip to the ER and testing positive for COVID-19. I said it, during a few high blood pressure readings. I said it, during third-trimester appointments where her heart rate seemed low. I said it when my doctor felt it was time to be induced early at 35 weeks. I said all that to say this from the day I found out in December 2021, I was certain THIS WAS IT. When we’re certain of things, whether it’s new beginnings or definite endings, there is nothing and no one can stop that outcome. I’ve also said before we can’t out-plan the Ultimate Planner. What God has for you will indeed be for you!
Sariyah was born July 30, 2022, with a fierceness that has only grown greater today. Now speaking of definite endings, in August of 2021, a few months before the positive pregnancy test, I applied to the University of Kentucky’s Doctor of Social Work program and got admitted. Yours truly was planning to be Dr. Conquering Shenea Spirit. Though I applied in August 2021, classes did not begin until June 2022 (when I was now 8 months pregnant). The decision to pursue another degree was solely for advancement out of a job and career I wanted out of. I wanted off the frontlines of social work and working with the public. I felt the only way out was for me to tunnel through and dig myself deeper to get to the other side. That my friends is DUMB AF! However, I did not see it that way in 2021 when I applied.
I started school in June 2022 and slightly instantly regretted it because I forgot about all the useless reading and writing papers. (I’m an avid reader but it must be for pleasure!) The following month is when I gave birth and it truly put things in perspective. I could not balance full-time employment (after maternity leave), full-time marriage, full-time school, and full-time motherhood. I don’t WANT to partake in trying to be a superwoman. Though, if it works for you, kudos, and keep at it. However, the older I get I just want simplicity. I am not motivated to dwell on difficulties and confusion. Nonetheless, I hate the feeling of starting something and not seeing it through. I also had never “dropped out” of school so to speak. So with a week-old baby lying next to me, I tearfully typed an email requesting an academic leave from the doctorate program in August 2022. I submitted an official resignation from the university in June 2023. The adage that to get over things you must go through may be true for some but for me, that’s a negative. I believe there is nothing wrong with taking the stage left and going the other way. At this point in my life, I believe that struggling, heartache, pain, etc. is not a rite of passage to a meaningful life.
No rule book says you must stress out and break your back to make life worthwhile. Perhaps, this is what the kids mean by “soft girl era.” I just DO NOT want to struggle in any capacity. That does not mean that struggles won’t occur but remaining IN the struggle is a choice. Even the bible says “Weeping may endure for the night, but Joy comes in the morning.” That means by morning I’m moving on because I don’t want to lose myself in anything. So moved on from school and social work. I made a career change that I believe was orchestrated by none other than The Savior. On paper, I had zero experience in project management but I found the job and the job accepted me. Had I continued with the original plan, the opportunity (and the salary) would have passed me by. You can’t out-plan the Ultimate Planner but Faith without works is dead. Wanting change and doing nothing is futile. I’m now almost a year in and two courses away from completing a certification program (I can never completely leave schooling alone 😊.) I’m grateful for all the blessings that have arisen in the last 2 years. The greatest of them being the one I opened this post with, Motherhood. My has it been a doozy thus far! If we’re friends on any social media platform then you may have seen pictures, videos, and numerous posts exclaiming what life is like these days.
My girl is very active and very smart. There were days during the last 15 months when we were in the trenches going through it (crying) together lol. This experience has been a new experience unlike any other. What she continues to teach ME though, is nothing is forever! Nothing is permanent. The only thing constant is change. I try to teach her ABCs and she teaches me what it means to be alive and well. She teaches me fearlessness. She teaches me how to guard my face while sleeping so she doesn’t headbutt me. Since it is ever-changing, I also feel I don’t have much to say on motherhood yet. Just that she will likely (in the physical) be an only child. Refer back to my statement about not remaining IN the struggle. Society today has its issues with politics, war, poverty, and crime and I want to be aware of what it means to raise a child during this time. I can’t fathom multiple children right now, if ever now. So you see life continues to life, but all for the greater good. I’m now looking for mom friends because we don’t like being in the house on the weekends. I’m trying to find my way back to that weight loss motivation we spoke about two years ago, though it’s MUCH harder now. I’m going to wrap it up now because nap time is almost over. Hopefully, it’s not another two years before we speak again but if so, keep in mind struggle is not a rite of passage to a meaningful life. The most expensive thing you can lose is yourself.
Peace & Love
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Conquering Shenea Spirit 